....and get your ass (all of it) in gear! Has July really come and gone? Was my last post really at the end of March? Yup. 3 months have sailed steadily by, and now I am staring down the throat of my 34th..ahem...(choking)...34th birthday in Spetember. September! Just 2 very short months away. And where am I at this point? I'll tell you where. The SAME effing place, just a different day. Figures.
Summertime stats: 198.4 lbs. Up a bit from March. Haven't done measurements in a while. I have a pretty good idea that they have not changed much. Well shit.
In my former life I must have been a hamster, because I don't seem to ever get off of the running this "weight loss" wheel. I say 'don't', rather then 'can't, because It is a matter of choice, and for what ever sick & demented, twisted reason, I just "don't".
What makes a person choose to live life allowing food to control them? What keeps a person maintaing bad habbits, and choose not to make and/or keep a change? What I really should be asking, is what makes me do thoes things?
The facts are the same as they have always been, no worse, no less. I am uncomfortable in my own skin, lazy, am becoming more and more un-social, and I feel bad about myself constantly. I have metabolic syndrome (oh joy), hypertension and am technically a post-menopausal woman, therefore all the happy-happy things a woman in her 50's is facing, I get to now in my early 30's, and have been dealing with for the past 10 years. Not fair. That means I have to work twice as hard as a normal woman my age simply because of that fact alone. Again, not fair.
I sit here and think about how much eaiser it would be to have surgery and help it to all go away. But then, that is not really the right answer, is it? I despise the fact that I have reduced myself to this, to have placed myself in this situation where the only other option I have is to continue the road I am on: get diagnosed with diabetes by 35, have legs full of vericose veins by 37, outgrow the movie theatre chairs by 40, have a heart attck at 45, then die young at 58. All because I didn't choose to live, I chose to die.
I joined weight watchers a few weeks ago-now that is a plan that makes sence to me. That first week, I was so good. I tracke EVERYTHING I ate, cut out the pepsi (yet again) and I lost 2.4 lbs and was so excited! So happy in fact, that I rewarded my self. I went out after and bought myself a 500 calorie Starbucks latte. And then gave myself thoes 2.4 lbs right back.
What-the-bleep.
How sick is that? Why in the world would I do that? I should slap myself. Haven't tracked my eating since...didn't want to write down that beverage choice and be held accountable. If I ignore it, it will just go away wont it?
My leader said 2 things last week that have bothered me ever since. She said "What you eat in private, you wear in public". I have been thinking about that non stop since she said it. One of the most accurate things I have ever heard, for me that is.
even more important, and applicable to nearly every aspect of my life, she said something that is sitting on my heart, at the very core of my being. She said " If you want something you've never had, do something you've never done".
There it is.
Consistency is the key, or so they say. With that in mind, my goal for this week is to cleanse my system, start anew and BE CONSISTENT! For Pete's sake! (Not sure who Pete is..just go with me on this.)
I recieved some guidance from a friend who has been very sucessful at weight loss so far, and continues to do well (You know who you are, and I am so proud of you!) So, I am going to take some tips she sent me and put them to use this week, and see what kind of results I get from it.
So, first things first. Cleanse, detoxify, purify...using food. The right kinds of food. I am cleansing myself of "bad" carbs. White flour, sugar, and the like. They gotta go. I am not doing Atkins or anything, but I know that by increasing my protein and fiber I will feel fuller longer.
I also need to increase my raw veggies, which, has not been too big of an issue anyway. Salad, salad, salad! I am making a vow to have salad before each lunch and dinner--my thinking is that if I allow myself to fill up on veggies, there won't be much room left for the other crap. A bit of protein and I should be golden. Wait...I already am Golden, a Golden delicious apple shape! Ha!
I am really trying to work on my accountability to myself as well. Some might say that I am hard on myself...but I see it differently. I am 'real' with myself...real dissapointed, real pissed off, real depressed, real obsessed, and above all, real sick of living like that day in and day out. I have cheated on myself with myself for so long, I no longer notice when I'm doing it. So, I need to grasp the idea of self accountability once again, and put some value behind the term.
Good lord- I could go on and on here. This is why I blog. Because as I sit here writing this, being honest with myself, I have so many epiphanies it's crazy! For instance...the term 'value' leads to the question of value, and then I must ask myself... Jamie, do you value you? Well...no. I don't. Not right now, maybe not ever. What a wonderful thing. To be honest, no matter the pain of it. Because If I never ask the question, I will never know the answer. And without knowing the answer, how could I ever hope to change it in the future?
My end result... is to forever change the answer to that question.
Boy...was I in denial! For a little while at least. But, alas, reality has set in. I really do have to work out absolutley every day and account for everything I put in my mouth. Imagine that? Duh.
I have lost 2 more pounds....making a total of 16 all together now. But, 2 lbs in 3 weeks time is not impressive nor what I was hoping for. Ok, ok...then I remind myself that I will get out what I put in. And what I have put in so far is too little to achieve my goals.
So, I am re-grouping...a term my mamma-in-law uses; I can even hear her voice as I write it down. I think this is a process that will occur many times over as I move forward! Oh, and that reminds me....I heard something the other day I thought was very fitting.... "If you burn your bridges you have no choice but to move forward." So applicable here! Because that is really what needs to happen; I need to have no other option because I'm afraid that I don't have enough strength to overcome this diability of mine. This food problem. This disease. This complete mind-f@*k.... a term my mother uses relentlessly. HA!
So, my plans for this weekend are to re-group!
...on me. That's what I tell myself everytime I go into the closet. I thumb through a variety of thigh-length black shirts, which I purposley buy to cammoflauge the Golden Delicious-esk effect I have occuring in my mid-section, as if it will help. My face unknowingly morphs into several variations of horror as I stare into my own personal hell, and finally choose the same shirt as always.
Being a fashionesta at heart, shopping for young and fresh fashions in plus size is nothing more than crulety. It can take 3 or 4 trips to various places to find 1 acceptable garment that is not granny-flowered, horizontally stripped, ribbed, or neon colored. Half the time I think designers for full-figured fashions choose from the clearance bin at the dollar-fabric store! Come on!
That being said, body shape and height are beyond important. My sister-in-law once said (about herself-which is not at all true) "short, fat and squatty, all butt and no body". Uhh....me....short, fat and squatty for sure, no butt, no body. Bummer.
I realized today after being victimized by myself over the fact that I could not find anything to wear for a walk outside without feeling completely FAT and UGLY, that this is completely and absoultlely AWFUL. The bottom line is...ahem... (pulling up my bootstraps here) that I am ashamed and embarassed to workout at the gym or go outside for a walk because..... If the wind is blowing and I am walking towards it, then my shirt will reveal how terribly large my stomach really is, or if I am at the gym on the eliptical or doing crunches, then everyone can see how bad it is also. I wear make up and style my hair in hopes of offsetting the body with the face. Who does that? So, I make excuses and avoid going, which is not the plan that will help me attain my goals. Even now, I sit here looking around, hoping to see some shred of self confidence laying beside me, but all I find are little demons running about my feet, waiting to jump on my back and continue to infect my soul. Got holy water? These bastards just don't quit.
I will say in my defense that my lack of self confidence can be attributed to many aspects of life, not just my weight. Things have happened to me, about me, and not at all about me, that have changed who I am drastically and have taken the little shreds of confidence that I once had. I accept thoes things, and work everyday to use them to make me stronger; I don't know that it is working, but I like to think so.
I am hopeful that one day I will shut the door to this dark and demented place n my head. But for now...it is all I have.
Among other things...chips piss me off. Found that out today at the grocery store, when I suddenly got a huge craving for BBQ Kettle chips. I didn't buy them, but realized as I walked out of the isle how pissed off, angry, annoyed I was at the fact I couldn't have them. It is so dissapointing that food has such control over my emotions and can obliterate my mood in an instant.
It has been a long, rough week. I have not gotten to work out as much as I'd like because I am so beat down at work, and find I have near zero energy at home. I have done the stairs a few times, and managed to get in a walk. Changing my mindset is such a difficult task, and making exercise a priority when work physically and mentally drains me feels near impossible right now......
This is the point where I quit. Normally, you know, in times past. These are the challenges I face, the things I need to overcome to keep my head above water. How am I going to push past the depression of being so physically exhausted, mentally drained and feeling like eating a bag of lard?
Until tomorrow, I am reaching deep.
At the start of the week, I set out to develop my personal fitness & nutrition plan, and now, as I sit here with my week-in-review, I realize I may have been a little overly ambitious. Unfortunantly, I choose to start in a week where I had little free time to plan & prepare, and where I have spent much more time at work with strangers than I was able to spend with my family and myself. So, with that being said, I have no completed plan to report tonight. Only the bits & pieces still tumbling through my brain that are longing to be connected.
Keeping my priorities sorted, I spent Sunday in fantastic fashion; meandered through the enticing streets of Wilmington, gazed at the undersea beauties off the coast on North Carolina at the Auarium, had an unforgettable and educational time on the USS Carolina Battleship, all while listening to the laughter of my children, hand-in-hand with my husband. It was by aall means, worth missing a day of planning and a workout.
I did make some smart choices while out. Took an idea from some good friends and split a dinner entree with Rick, so we didn't over eat (not to mention a savings in the pocketbook). Had a sensible breakfast and we walked around all day. So...in my book, that is just fine.
I am re-aiming for my plans to be set in stone by Tuesday, giving myself Monday for chores to get done that need attention pronto.
You may notice I am allowing for minor adjustments; in the past I have been far too hard on myself and would have just called it quits alltogether by now,, citing that I had worked 12 hr shifts all week, then had plans with the family, so I didn't have the time or energy for sticking to a fitness, nutrition, and blogging plan. Ugh.. there I go with the honesty again, but I figure hey...if I can't be straight with myself, then who can I be honest with?
Just barley time for a short & sweet entry today.... and super excited to report I am down 2 whole pounds since Monday ;-) Evidently, the key to it is running my arse off at work, not getting breaks, and never sitting down for 12 hours! Ufta.
Had to get creative on eating while at work, because no breaks=no meal time. I know that's not good for me, I need nutrition for Pete's sake! (Side note..I will discuss Pete at a later time).
I have been able to keep healthy snack-sized items on hand, and littlerally gobble them down every few hours. Ceareal bars, dry frosted mini-wheats, bananas, oranges, and a 100 calorie pack of something sweet ;-) Can't figure out how to get some protein in there yet, but I will.
Right then! Until tomorow...
It's clear, cool, calorie free and refreshing. It's used to rehydrate and replenish. Our bodies are made up of 85% of it, and yet, drinking water seems to be nearly impossible for me. I am completely serious when I say that the only time I consume water is when taking my daily medications, and I mean just a sip or two.
So how does one go from barley tasting it at all, to 6-8 1 cup servings in a day?
My conclusion? Put alot of crap in it.
So....I bought some crystal light water additive stuff, and am crossing my fingers that it works, and encourages me to drink up me earties yo-ho!
I will revisit this issue, but because I am pressed for time at the moment, I am keeping this entry short and sweet.
Okay, so this is probably the toughest part for me; having to write down my body statistics in black & white. every hefty girl's worst nightmare. But, it does come with a sweet side too. Even though I am only just beginning this project, I am happy to find that since I have left Spokane 3.5 months ago, I have lost 12 pounds; 8 without trying, and 4 after working out for 1 and a half weeks.
So that brings me to my official starting point. I not only will be tracking my weight, but measurements in my core areas as well. Doing this will give me a more clear picture of the changes taking place since my particular body has a tendancy to build lean muscle really fast and easy, and muscle is heavier than fat, measuring inches is a good idea for me.
Right then! Here goes.....anytime time now.....anytime......come on, just put it down.....
Age: 33
Ht: 5' 2"
Wt: 200 lbs.
Chest: 44"
Abd: 44"
Hip: 46"
Neck: 16.5"
Can you say APPLE!!!!! The most dangerous fat of all is the kind that collects around the middle, causing increased risk of heart disease and diabetes. Considering I have begun treatment for mild hypertension and my insulin levels are up...I would say that I better haul my ass out of the danger zone pronto!
It is good to know that I was sort -of already on the right road, with the 12 pounds gone since November, but I am not going to count that weight in my goals....which are still in development.
My overall goal is to loose 68 lbs total by my birthday. I came up with that number by taking the age I will be (34) and simply doubling it. Nothing complex about that. I am still working on my mini-goals and milestones in the form of time, weight, inches, diet and fitness acheivements. I am really trying to cover all the bases here because I know myself....I will have a difficult time not seeing results right away, so I do not want all my eggs on the scale-so to speak.
I intend to have the completed blue print for this project layed out by this Saturday, 5 days from now. In the meantime, I am conciously making better food choices and am working to prioritize fitness. But, by Saturday..... I will have my whole plan, and be working it!
My challenge for these next 4 days (T/W/Th/F) is to figure out how to get in some excerise while working in the ER 12 hour night shifts, where a lunch break is rarely ever given. Shit.
Wow. I used to love the taste of an ice cold Pepsi as a kid! And with the new "Throwbacks," I thought for sure it would be a nostalgic experience. Much to my dismay, however, I sit dissapointed; my tastebuds are screaming "What the hell is this and why are you forcing us to bathe in the whole 12 ounces?" The one answer I can rest on is that it is the last Pepsi I will be drinking for the next 7 months as I put myself through what I am certain will be the greatest challenge of my young life: Dropping all this weight that I have allowed myself to collect (mostly around the middle) over the last 16 years, and chronicling daily to remember the beginning, albeit my "rock bottom."
I believe my obsession with food stemed as a child: we were a poor family living on a very fixed income with a mother who never cooked anything unless it came processed or from a box. I have often teased my mother about the time when she would buy nothing but frozen burritos for what seemed like 2 or 3 months! Needless to say, whenever there were treats in the house like chips, candy, cakes or ice cream...I loved it! But I was never heavy as a child, in fact, I was perfectly porportioned. Until the age of 14...
That was when I met my husband (or yet to be), Rick, who's mother introdued me to 'real' food, and happily welcomed me to share their table. I truely thought I had died and gone to heaven...she is very talented in the kitchen, and although she may have never felt her meals were 'gourmet', I certainly did and still do. I would often times have seconds, and on rare occasion I would stuff myself with thirds! Her meals were often the only decent ones I would have all week, so I subconciously began to depend on eating there. I would go to school most days with no breakfast, (the whole "cereal /no milk, peanut butter/no jelly" thing totally applied to me) hardly any money for lunch, so dinner was what I had to look forward to.
As I turned 16, I found myself working at none other than Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can be a kid and employees can spend their paychecks (in advance) on pizza's at mealbreaks! Yes! What a perfect job for me-I thought. No more depending on my boyfriends' mom to feed me exclusively. I began spending all of the money I earned on fast food...and before I knew it, my size 3 body from freshman year had steadily grown into a size 14 by seinor year...on my 5'1" frame...not a good mix.
Then came the unexpected teenage pregnancy at 17. What did that mean to me? Eating for two!! A license to eat all I wanted, and of course, the actual fat I put on during that time was masked by my beautifully growing belly. All 68 pounds of it. Yeah, 68. I didn't really think about it at the time, didn't realize what damage I was doing, but most importantly, I didn't realize that my life revolved around food. I decided to breatfeed for the health benefits to the baby and myself, and fully expected that I would have my pre-pregnant body in no time. then one night, I was about 32 weeks along, my stomach began to itch relentlessly and I can remember laying in bed, crying, scratching the skin off for hours and hours in complete misery. What happened next? Stretch marks...like no other. Thick 3-inch wide purple stretch marks from the bottom of my breasts to the netherlands, and side-to-side, hip-to-hip. They completely covered my entire abdomen and when I aske my doctor if they would ever go away, he replied that my skin must have little elasticity and I would need abdominoplasty. What? For God's sake...I was only 17!
My darling daughter introduced herself to the world via Cesarean Section. An incision directly through all thoes stretch marks, fatty adipose tissue, abdominal muscles (if any had declared themselves) and into the uterine muscle itself. Wonderful. Ought to make recovery even less painstaking...right. Needless to say, my "beautifully growing belly" did not retract in the least, it simply dropped, sagged, layed low, or hung out. And there it stayed, right along side my unhealthy appetite, taking me up to a size 16, and 184 pounds.
Five years later came baby #2! Whew, I thought finally a reason to be "big". During that pregnancy, however, I began eating healthy and walking everyday; I actually lost weight for the first 6 months! Another C-Section was in order with a repeat of incisions, and daughter #2 was here! And so was Cancer. Fantastic.
Peritoneal Cancer, meaning: originating from the Peritoneal lining in the abdomen., the lining that covers your abdominal organs and basically connects everything to one another. Treatment: gut you like a fish and toxify your bloodstream in hopes that you survive. Out came the Uterus, Ovaries, Appendix, a good number of lymph nodes and even the Omentum (a fatty sort of "blanket" that protects your innards). Only this incision stretched from pubic bone to belly button to aid in tumor exploration, leaving me with an upside-down letter "T". Just what I've always wanted!
Mind you, I am not making excuses for why I am overweight. I am merley pointing out that my abdomen, the area of largest fat reserve on my body, has been surgically traumatized to the utmost extent. That, coupled with my poor eating habits and love of food and lack of movement, has helped to create a weak core, and making my plight all the more difficult.
I have been free of Cancer for 10 years on April 9th this year, and I have been overweight for 16 years.
I am done.
With my 34th birthday arriving this September, I have made it my focus to loose 68 pounds, as a gift to myself, to my family, and I am going to document my way through all of it; the milestones, pitfalls, and emotions...as there are sure to be a significant amount of the latter.
So, as I sit here, finishing up this retro Pepsi, I am feeling optimistic about where I'm going and the goals I have set out to attain.
If only I ever read this...If only I ever learn from this, I will be much improved.
*Coming tomorrow: "Painfully Honest" statistics and goal details......YUK!
