Among other things...chips piss me off. Found that out today at the grocery store, when I suddenly got a huge craving for BBQ Kettle chips. I didn't buy them, but realized as I walked out of the isle how pissed off, angry, annoyed I was at the fact I couldn't have them. It is so dissapointing that food has such control over my emotions and can obliterate my mood in an instant.
It has been a long, rough week. I have not gotten to work out as much as I'd like because I am so beat down at work, and find I have near zero energy at home. I have done the stairs a few times, and managed to get in a walk. Changing my mindset is such a difficult task, and making exercise a priority when work physically and mentally drains me feels near impossible right now......
This is the point where I quit. Normally, you know, in times past. These are the challenges I face, the things I need to overcome to keep my head above water. How am I going to push past the depression of being so physically exhausted, mentally drained and feeling like eating a bag of lard?
Until tomorrow, I am reaching deep.
At the start of the week, I set out to develop my personal fitness & nutrition plan, and now, as I sit here with my week-in-review, I realize I may have been a little overly ambitious. Unfortunantly, I choose to start in a week where I had little free time to plan & prepare, and where I have spent much more time at work with strangers than I was able to spend with my family and myself. So, with that being said, I have no completed plan to report tonight. Only the bits & pieces still tumbling through my brain that are longing to be connected.
Keeping my priorities sorted, I spent Sunday in fantastic fashion; meandered through the enticing streets of Wilmington, gazed at the undersea beauties off the coast on North Carolina at the Auarium, had an unforgettable and educational time on the USS Carolina Battleship, all while listening to the laughter of my children, hand-in-hand with my husband. It was by aall means, worth missing a day of planning and a workout.
I did make some smart choices while out. Took an idea from some good friends and split a dinner entree with Rick, so we didn't over eat (not to mention a savings in the pocketbook). Had a sensible breakfast and we walked around all day. So...in my book, that is just fine.
I am re-aiming for my plans to be set in stone by Tuesday, giving myself Monday for chores to get done that need attention pronto.
You may notice I am allowing for minor adjustments; in the past I have been far too hard on myself and would have just called it quits alltogether by now,, citing that I had worked 12 hr shifts all week, then had plans with the family, so I didn't have the time or energy for sticking to a fitness, nutrition, and blogging plan. Ugh.. there I go with the honesty again, but I figure hey...if I can't be straight with myself, then who can I be honest with?
Just barley time for a short & sweet entry today.... and super excited to report I am down 2 whole pounds since Monday ;-) Evidently, the key to it is running my arse off at work, not getting breaks, and never sitting down for 12 hours! Ufta.
Had to get creative on eating while at work, because no breaks=no meal time. I know that's not good for me, I need nutrition for Pete's sake! (Side note..I will discuss Pete at a later time).
I have been able to keep healthy snack-sized items on hand, and littlerally gobble them down every few hours. Ceareal bars, dry frosted mini-wheats, bananas, oranges, and a 100 calorie pack of something sweet ;-) Can't figure out how to get some protein in there yet, but I will.
Right then! Until tomorow...
It's clear, cool, calorie free and refreshing. It's used to rehydrate and replenish. Our bodies are made up of 85% of it, and yet, drinking water seems to be nearly impossible for me. I am completely serious when I say that the only time I consume water is when taking my daily medications, and I mean just a sip or two.
So how does one go from barley tasting it at all, to 6-8 1 cup servings in a day?
My conclusion? Put alot of crap in it.
So....I bought some crystal light water additive stuff, and am crossing my fingers that it works, and encourages me to drink up me earties yo-ho!
I will revisit this issue, but because I am pressed for time at the moment, I am keeping this entry short and sweet.
Okay, so this is probably the toughest part for me; having to write down my body statistics in black & white. every hefty girl's worst nightmare. But, it does come with a sweet side too. Even though I am only just beginning this project, I am happy to find that since I have left Spokane 3.5 months ago, I have lost 12 pounds; 8 without trying, and 4 after working out for 1 and a half weeks.
So that brings me to my official starting point. I not only will be tracking my weight, but measurements in my core areas as well. Doing this will give me a more clear picture of the changes taking place since my particular body has a tendancy to build lean muscle really fast and easy, and muscle is heavier than fat, measuring inches is a good idea for me.
Right then! Here goes.....anytime time now.....anytime......come on, just put it down.....
Age: 33
Ht: 5' 2"
Wt: 200 lbs.
Chest: 44"
Abd: 44"
Hip: 46"
Neck: 16.5"
Can you say APPLE!!!!! The most dangerous fat of all is the kind that collects around the middle, causing increased risk of heart disease and diabetes. Considering I have begun treatment for mild hypertension and my insulin levels are up...I would say that I better haul my ass out of the danger zone pronto!
It is good to know that I was sort -of already on the right road, with the 12 pounds gone since November, but I am not going to count that weight in my goals....which are still in development.
My overall goal is to loose 68 lbs total by my birthday. I came up with that number by taking the age I will be (34) and simply doubling it. Nothing complex about that. I am still working on my mini-goals and milestones in the form of time, weight, inches, diet and fitness acheivements. I am really trying to cover all the bases here because I know myself....I will have a difficult time not seeing results right away, so I do not want all my eggs on the scale-so to speak.
I intend to have the completed blue print for this project layed out by this Saturday, 5 days from now. In the meantime, I am conciously making better food choices and am working to prioritize fitness. But, by Saturday..... I will have my whole plan, and be working it!
My challenge for these next 4 days (T/W/Th/F) is to figure out how to get in some excerise while working in the ER 12 hour night shifts, where a lunch break is rarely ever given. Shit.
Wow. I used to love the taste of an ice cold Pepsi as a kid! And with the new "Throwbacks," I thought for sure it would be a nostalgic experience. Much to my dismay, however, I sit dissapointed; my tastebuds are screaming "What the hell is this and why are you forcing us to bathe in the whole 12 ounces?" The one answer I can rest on is that it is the last Pepsi I will be drinking for the next 7 months as I put myself through what I am certain will be the greatest challenge of my young life: Dropping all this weight that I have allowed myself to collect (mostly around the middle) over the last 16 years, and chronicling daily to remember the beginning, albeit my "rock bottom."
I believe my obsession with food stemed as a child: we were a poor family living on a very fixed income with a mother who never cooked anything unless it came processed or from a box. I have often teased my mother about the time when she would buy nothing but frozen burritos for what seemed like 2 or 3 months! Needless to say, whenever there were treats in the house like chips, candy, cakes or ice cream...I loved it! But I was never heavy as a child, in fact, I was perfectly porportioned. Until the age of 14...
That was when I met my husband (or yet to be), Rick, who's mother introdued me to 'real' food, and happily welcomed me to share their table. I truely thought I had died and gone to heaven...she is very talented in the kitchen, and although she may have never felt her meals were 'gourmet', I certainly did and still do. I would often times have seconds, and on rare occasion I would stuff myself with thirds! Her meals were often the only decent ones I would have all week, so I subconciously began to depend on eating there. I would go to school most days with no breakfast, (the whole "cereal /no milk, peanut butter/no jelly" thing totally applied to me) hardly any money for lunch, so dinner was what I had to look forward to.
As I turned 16, I found myself working at none other than Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can be a kid and employees can spend their paychecks (in advance) on pizza's at mealbreaks! Yes! What a perfect job for me-I thought. No more depending on my boyfriends' mom to feed me exclusively. I began spending all of the money I earned on fast food...and before I knew it, my size 3 body from freshman year had steadily grown into a size 14 by seinor year...on my 5'1" frame...not a good mix.
Then came the unexpected teenage pregnancy at 17. What did that mean to me? Eating for two!! A license to eat all I wanted, and of course, the actual fat I put on during that time was masked by my beautifully growing belly. All 68 pounds of it. Yeah, 68. I didn't really think about it at the time, didn't realize what damage I was doing, but most importantly, I didn't realize that my life revolved around food. I decided to breatfeed for the health benefits to the baby and myself, and fully expected that I would have my pre-pregnant body in no time. then one night, I was about 32 weeks along, my stomach began to itch relentlessly and I can remember laying in bed, crying, scratching the skin off for hours and hours in complete misery. What happened next? Stretch marks...like no other. Thick 3-inch wide purple stretch marks from the bottom of my breasts to the netherlands, and side-to-side, hip-to-hip. They completely covered my entire abdomen and when I aske my doctor if they would ever go away, he replied that my skin must have little elasticity and I would need abdominoplasty. What? For God's sake...I was only 17!
My darling daughter introduced herself to the world via Cesarean Section. An incision directly through all thoes stretch marks, fatty adipose tissue, abdominal muscles (if any had declared themselves) and into the uterine muscle itself. Wonderful. Ought to make recovery even less painstaking...right. Needless to say, my "beautifully growing belly" did not retract in the least, it simply dropped, sagged, layed low, or hung out. And there it stayed, right along side my unhealthy appetite, taking me up to a size 16, and 184 pounds.
Five years later came baby #2! Whew, I thought finally a reason to be "big". During that pregnancy, however, I began eating healthy and walking everyday; I actually lost weight for the first 6 months! Another C-Section was in order with a repeat of incisions, and daughter #2 was here! And so was Cancer. Fantastic.
Peritoneal Cancer, meaning: originating from the Peritoneal lining in the abdomen., the lining that covers your abdominal organs and basically connects everything to one another. Treatment: gut you like a fish and toxify your bloodstream in hopes that you survive. Out came the Uterus, Ovaries, Appendix, a good number of lymph nodes and even the Omentum (a fatty sort of "blanket" that protects your innards). Only this incision stretched from pubic bone to belly button to aid in tumor exploration, leaving me with an upside-down letter "T". Just what I've always wanted!
Mind you, I am not making excuses for why I am overweight. I am merley pointing out that my abdomen, the area of largest fat reserve on my body, has been surgically traumatized to the utmost extent. That, coupled with my poor eating habits and love of food and lack of movement, has helped to create a weak core, and making my plight all the more difficult.
I have been free of Cancer for 10 years on April 9th this year, and I have been overweight for 16 years.
I am done.
With my 34th birthday arriving this September, I have made it my focus to loose 68 pounds, as a gift to myself, to my family, and I am going to document my way through all of it; the milestones, pitfalls, and emotions...as there are sure to be a significant amount of the latter.
So, as I sit here, finishing up this retro Pepsi, I am feeling optimistic about where I'm going and the goals I have set out to attain.
If only I ever read this...If only I ever learn from this, I will be much improved.
*Coming tomorrow: "Painfully Honest" statistics and goal details......YUK!
