I feel like I have finally found what I have been searching for. I had been talking to a friend of mine back home this weekend who has been following a nutritional program for a the last few months and has had some phenomenal results. She has shared with me the details, and I am so on board! For the first time in, I can't remember when, I woke up this morning with a sense of hope and optimism. For me, that is a BIG plus. I am not going to divulge in this forum until I get going with it, but I will share.
There are huge life changes in store for me; I am focused on developing that determination & drive for a better life, a healthy life, an optimal life, that has alluded me in times past.
I'm ready....I'm ready.... I am ready!
Wow. That was a great burger I had at lunch today. Complete with sea-salt fries. You see, it all went south this morning when I showed up to work to find that we were missing 5 of our 10 team members today, and the 5 of us that showed up were going to have to pull the extra weight, again. Immediately, I start stressing, turn to a co-Hort and say that today would be a fat-laden, sugar coated heart attack kind of day! Off to Wendy's I went at lunch. Literally everyone of us ate CRAP.
Good way to cope? I think not!
What is good about the scenario is realizing I turned immediately to food in search of emotional comfort and consolation. This fact keeps me where I am today. Fat, miserable & regretful. I am in need of a new & healthy outlet.
Count calories? Everything I read tells me I should consume no more than 1200 calories per day. Weight Watchers? Been there, done that (never for a decent period of time) but I always quit 2-3 weeks into it. South Beach or Atkins? The doctor says that can really help my triglycerides (which I forgot to mention are too high). Those are so restrictive & I worry I will not be able to stick to it past a day of two. Isagenix? Costly & something I can not afford at the moment, but I understand some people are having great results with it. So...what then? Do I need a "program" to be successful?
At this point, I am inclined to think that it may not matter so much as which I choose, as long as I make a choice, and go all the way with it.
"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine"...words sung by the great Johnny Cash. And some good advice to be sure.
I want to take a closer look at my heart & how I can get it stronger & keep it healthy. The first step is cardiovascular training. My arch nemesis. Endurance is always something I have struggled with, so this is the biggest challenge for me. I really would like to be able to run a 5K...then a half marathon. But, even in that, my tig-ol-bitties pose a problem in themselves. (Pausing a moment while I crack up at the fact I really just wrote that down.) Ambitious, perhaps too much so, but if I take things one step at a time eventually I will get there in the end, weather it be running, walking or crawling.
Not all is lost.
"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine..."
Just what do we have here? A new year has dawned! It is January in North Crackalackey (as my bestie calls it,) the air is cold & honestly have not seen much in the way of sun lately, which I believe to be in perfect alignment with the way I feel inside. Dark, & not much light.
2010 was such a tough year for me, on of the toughest I have had to say the least. Among other things, I am very ashamed to say that I still carry this 200 pound weight with me wherever I go, & I seem to be steady on the road to a miserable & all too early death.
And, I have decided to allow myself this one blog to discuss the deepest, darkest hidden secrets of my soul with the intent of pulling back the dust-laden drapes of my spirit, to let the sun shine in & carry me to recovery on rays of light.
My biggest secret? I am depressed. Really depressed. Wouldn't be surprised if I needed pharmacological intervention for it. I feel like it is the root of my being, like it has a stronghold over me & has gotten much, much worse since I left Spokane. Sometimes it seems like my every free thought in my head turns towards some tragic event in my life, really just two things in particular, oddly enough are profoundly interwoven with eachother. One is emotional, the other is both emotional & physical. The first I will not discuss in detail. Someday, as an anonymous writer, I may, & perhaps it will be intensely healing & freeing for my soul. What I can say about it is that it was the single most monumental thing that has shaken every particle of me to my core. It destroyed my sanctuary, falsified my reality & stole my inner happiness. My internal light turned dim.
Now...as for the second. Well, it's no secret at all. I am a fat girl. A chubster. A chunky monkey. And, as if that isn't enough, I have hypertension, back issues & knee pain(which I am only now just admitting to), metabolic syndrome, & the real kicker is a non-existent level of self-esteem. Sounds wonderful, right? I would say the most irritating & bothersome thing for me concerning my weight, is not the actual number, it is absolutely in the way I carry it. What can I say...it's all in the gut. Blech! But low & behold, that is where most of the adipose tissue has chosen to accumulate. I gag a little just writing those words. So lucky am I! I will share the story on how this came to be in another post, but for now, let's just say that at 18 years old I had a huge prego belly with rip-roaring 1 1/2 inch wide red and purple stretch marks from under breast to pubis and side to side. I gave birth, and the belly, well...it just sort of, dropped...and stayed. Over the years, I have worked hard on filling in out because it is substantial, & completely in my way. I remember not too long ago when I realized that even my range of motion is gone, falling victim to my disease. Shhh...don't tell anyone this, but sometimes, I stand in the mirror, hold support for my tummy like a girdle would, & when I do, I watch my body stance shift backwards. Then I let go, my shoulders fall forward & my stance is totally changed, & I can feel the pull on my spine. That is the physical aspect of secret # 2. The ugly side.
Secret #2 has two parts, as I mentioned before. The emotional side has a direct correlation to the physical side, and also to secret #1- the depression. They go hand-in-hand no doubt. So, let me get real dark for a moment, that is the purpose of this post after all. I am rather disgusted with myself. I look in the mirror & find every flaw that makes up my face, my neck, my arms, my chest, and so on. I don't see anything that resembles beauty in the least. I used to think that I was a pretty girl, never beautiful , but at least fair enough. For a little while, I had the means to purchase decent clothes, good make-up (Go MAC!) and have my hair done. It is fair to say that I was feeling pretty good about myself for a time. Then, unfortunately, I received some important information, directly related to my weight, & it sent me spiraling out of control into an emotional pit of relentless depression, although I am rather talented at hiding it. I have yet to find myself...which is really what this whole process is about. Re-discovering who I am, finding the light with-in & finding the joy of living.
Oh, woe is me...
