....and get your ass (all of it) in gear! Has July really come and gone? Was my last post really at the end of March? Yup. 3 months have sailed steadily by, and now I am staring down the throat of my 34th..ahem...(choking)...34th birthday in Spetember. September! Just 2 very short months away. And where am I at this point? I'll tell you where. The SAME effing place, just a different day. Figures.
Summertime stats: 198.4 lbs. Up a bit from March. Haven't done measurements in a while. I have a pretty good idea that they have not changed much. Well shit.
In my former life I must have been a hamster, because I don't seem to ever get off of the running this "weight loss" wheel. I say 'don't', rather then 'can't, because It is a matter of choice, and for what ever sick & demented, twisted reason, I just "don't".
What makes a person choose to live life allowing food to control them? What keeps a person maintaing bad habbits, and choose not to make and/or keep a change? What I really should be asking, is what makes me do thoes things?
The facts are the same as they have always been, no worse, no less. I am uncomfortable in my own skin, lazy, am becoming more and more un-social, and I feel bad about myself constantly. I have metabolic syndrome (oh joy), hypertension and am technically a post-menopausal woman, therefore all the happy-happy things a woman in her 50's is facing, I get to now in my early 30's, and have been dealing with for the past 10 years. Not fair. That means I have to work twice as hard as a normal woman my age simply because of that fact alone. Again, not fair.
I sit here and think about how much eaiser it would be to have surgery and help it to all go away. But then, that is not really the right answer, is it? I despise the fact that I have reduced myself to this, to have placed myself in this situation where the only other option I have is to continue the road I am on: get diagnosed with diabetes by 35, have legs full of vericose veins by 37, outgrow the movie theatre chairs by 40, have a heart attck at 45, then die young at 58. All because I didn't choose to live, I chose to die.
I joined weight watchers a few weeks ago-now that is a plan that makes sence to me. That first week, I was so good. I tracke EVERYTHING I ate, cut out the pepsi (yet again) and I lost 2.4 lbs and was so excited! So happy in fact, that I rewarded my self. I went out after and bought myself a 500 calorie Starbucks latte. And then gave myself thoes 2.4 lbs right back.
What-the-bleep.
How sick is that? Why in the world would I do that? I should slap myself. Haven't tracked my eating since...didn't want to write down that beverage choice and be held accountable. If I ignore it, it will just go away wont it?
My leader said 2 things last week that have bothered me ever since. She said "What you eat in private, you wear in public". I have been thinking about that non stop since she said it. One of the most accurate things I have ever heard, for me that is.
even more important, and applicable to nearly every aspect of my life, she said something that is sitting on my heart, at the very core of my being. She said " If you want something you've never had, do something you've never done".
There it is.