...on me. That's what I tell myself everytime I go into the closet. I thumb through a variety of thigh-length black shirts, which I purposley buy to cammoflauge the Golden Delicious-esk effect I have occuring in my mid-section, as if it will help. My face unknowingly morphs into several variations of horror as I stare into my own personal hell, and finally choose the same shirt as always.
Being a fashionesta at heart, shopping for young and fresh fashions in plus size is nothing more than crulety. It can take 3 or 4 trips to various places to find 1 acceptable garment that is not granny-flowered, horizontally stripped, ribbed, or neon colored. Half the time I think designers for full-figured fashions choose from the clearance bin at the dollar-fabric store! Come on!
That being said, body shape and height are beyond important. My sister-in-law once said (about herself-which is not at all true) "short, fat and squatty, all butt and no body". Uhh....me....short, fat and squatty for sure, no butt, no body. Bummer.
I realized today after being victimized by myself over the fact that I could not find anything to wear for a walk outside without feeling completely FAT and UGLY, that this is completely and absoultlely AWFUL. The bottom line is...ahem... (pulling up my bootstraps here) that I am ashamed and embarassed to workout at the gym or go outside for a walk because..... If the wind is blowing and I am walking towards it, then my shirt will reveal how terribly large my stomach really is, or if I am at the gym on the eliptical or doing crunches, then everyone can see how bad it is also. I wear make up and style my hair in hopes of offsetting the body with the face. Who does that? So, I make excuses and avoid going, which is not the plan that will help me attain my goals. Even now, I sit here looking around, hoping to see some shred of self confidence laying beside me, but all I find are little demons running about my feet, waiting to jump on my back and continue to infect my soul. Got holy water? These bastards just don't quit.
I will say in my defense that my lack of self confidence can be attributed to many aspects of life, not just my weight. Things have happened to me, about me, and not at all about me, that have changed who I am drastically and have taken the little shreds of confidence that I once had. I accept thoes things, and work everyday to use them to make me stronger; I don't know that it is working, but I like to think so.
I am hopeful that one day I will shut the door to this dark and demented place n my head. But for now...it is all I have.