Consistency is the key, or so they say. With that in mind, my goal for this week is to cleanse my system, start anew and BE CONSISTENT! For Pete's sake! (Not sure who Pete is..just go with me on this.)
I recieved some guidance from a friend who has been very sucessful at weight loss so far, and continues to do well (You know who you are, and I am so proud of you!) So, I am going to take some tips she sent me and put them to use this week, and see what kind of results I get from it.
So, first things first. Cleanse, detoxify, purify...using food. The right kinds of food. I am cleansing myself of "bad" carbs. White flour, sugar, and the like. They gotta go. I am not doing Atkins or anything, but I know that by increasing my protein and fiber I will feel fuller longer.
I also need to increase my raw veggies, which, has not been too big of an issue anyway. Salad, salad, salad! I am making a vow to have salad before each lunch and dinner--my thinking is that if I allow myself to fill up on veggies, there won't be much room left for the other crap. A bit of protein and I should be golden. Wait...I already am Golden, a Golden delicious apple shape! Ha!
I am really trying to work on my accountability to myself as well. Some might say that I am hard on myself...but I see it differently. I am 'real' with myself...real dissapointed, real pissed off, real depressed, real obsessed, and above all, real sick of living like that day in and day out. I have cheated on myself with myself for so long, I no longer notice when I'm doing it. So, I need to grasp the idea of self accountability once again, and put some value behind the term.
Good lord- I could go on and on here. This is why I blog. Because as I sit here writing this, being honest with myself, I have so many epiphanies it's crazy! For instance...the term 'value' leads to the question of value, and then I must ask myself... Jamie, do you value you? Well...no. I don't. Not right now, maybe not ever. What a wonderful thing. To be honest, no matter the pain of it. Because If I never ask the question, I will never know the answer. And without knowing the answer, how could I ever hope to change it in the future?
My end result... is to forever change the answer to that question.
Boy...was I in denial! For a little while at least. But, alas, reality has set in. I really do have to work out absolutley every day and account for everything I put in my mouth. Imagine that? Duh.
I have lost 2 more pounds....making a total of 16 all together now. But, 2 lbs in 3 weeks time is not impressive nor what I was hoping for. Ok, ok...then I remind myself that I will get out what I put in. And what I have put in so far is too little to achieve my goals.
So, I am re-grouping...a term my mamma-in-law uses; I can even hear her voice as I write it down. I think this is a process that will occur many times over as I move forward! Oh, and that reminds me....I heard something the other day I thought was very fitting.... "If you burn your bridges you have no choice but to move forward." So applicable here! Because that is really what needs to happen; I need to have no other option because I'm afraid that I don't have enough strength to overcome this diability of mine. This food problem. This disease. This complete mind-f@*k.... a term my mother uses relentlessly. HA!
So, my plans for this weekend are to re-group!
...on me. That's what I tell myself everytime I go into the closet. I thumb through a variety of thigh-length black shirts, which I purposley buy to cammoflauge the Golden Delicious-esk effect I have occuring in my mid-section, as if it will help. My face unknowingly morphs into several variations of horror as I stare into my own personal hell, and finally choose the same shirt as always.
Being a fashionesta at heart, shopping for young and fresh fashions in plus size is nothing more than crulety. It can take 3 or 4 trips to various places to find 1 acceptable garment that is not granny-flowered, horizontally stripped, ribbed, or neon colored. Half the time I think designers for full-figured fashions choose from the clearance bin at the dollar-fabric store! Come on!
That being said, body shape and height are beyond important. My sister-in-law once said (about herself-which is not at all true) "short, fat and squatty, all butt and no body". Uhh....me....short, fat and squatty for sure, no butt, no body. Bummer.
I realized today after being victimized by myself over the fact that I could not find anything to wear for a walk outside without feeling completely FAT and UGLY, that this is completely and absoultlely AWFUL. The bottom line is...ahem... (pulling up my bootstraps here) that I am ashamed and embarassed to workout at the gym or go outside for a walk because..... If the wind is blowing and I am walking towards it, then my shirt will reveal how terribly large my stomach really is, or if I am at the gym on the eliptical or doing crunches, then everyone can see how bad it is also. I wear make up and style my hair in hopes of offsetting the body with the face. Who does that? So, I make excuses and avoid going, which is not the plan that will help me attain my goals. Even now, I sit here looking around, hoping to see some shred of self confidence laying beside me, but all I find are little demons running about my feet, waiting to jump on my back and continue to infect my soul. Got holy water? These bastards just don't quit.
I will say in my defense that my lack of self confidence can be attributed to many aspects of life, not just my weight. Things have happened to me, about me, and not at all about me, that have changed who I am drastically and have taken the little shreds of confidence that I once had. I accept thoes things, and work everyday to use them to make me stronger; I don't know that it is working, but I like to think so.
I am hopeful that one day I will shut the door to this dark and demented place n my head. But for now...it is all I have.
Among other things...chips piss me off. Found that out today at the grocery store, when I suddenly got a huge craving for BBQ Kettle chips. I didn't buy them, but realized as I walked out of the isle how pissed off, angry, annoyed I was at the fact I couldn't have them. It is so dissapointing that food has such control over my emotions and can obliterate my mood in an instant.
It has been a long, rough week. I have not gotten to work out as much as I'd like because I am so beat down at work, and find I have near zero energy at home. I have done the stairs a few times, and managed to get in a walk. Changing my mindset is such a difficult task, and making exercise a priority when work physically and mentally drains me feels near impossible right now......
This is the point where I quit. Normally, you know, in times past. These are the challenges I face, the things I need to overcome to keep my head above water. How am I going to push past the depression of being so physically exhausted, mentally drained and feeling like eating a bag of lard?
Until tomorrow, I am reaching deep.
At the start of the week, I set out to develop my personal fitness & nutrition plan, and now, as I sit here with my week-in-review, I realize I may have been a little overly ambitious. Unfortunantly, I choose to start in a week where I had little free time to plan & prepare, and where I have spent much more time at work with strangers than I was able to spend with my family and myself. So, with that being said, I have no completed plan to report tonight. Only the bits & pieces still tumbling through my brain that are longing to be connected.
Keeping my priorities sorted, I spent Sunday in fantastic fashion; meandered through the enticing streets of Wilmington, gazed at the undersea beauties off the coast on North Carolina at the Auarium, had an unforgettable and educational time on the USS Carolina Battleship, all while listening to the laughter of my children, hand-in-hand with my husband. It was by aall means, worth missing a day of planning and a workout.
I did make some smart choices while out. Took an idea from some good friends and split a dinner entree with Rick, so we didn't over eat (not to mention a savings in the pocketbook). Had a sensible breakfast and we walked around all day. So...in my book, that is just fine.
I am re-aiming for my plans to be set in stone by Tuesday, giving myself Monday for chores to get done that need attention pronto.
You may notice I am allowing for minor adjustments; in the past I have been far too hard on myself and would have just called it quits alltogether by now,, citing that I had worked 12 hr shifts all week, then had plans with the family, so I didn't have the time or energy for sticking to a fitness, nutrition, and blogging plan. Ugh.. there I go with the honesty again, but I figure hey...if I can't be straight with myself, then who can I be honest with?
Just barley time for a short & sweet entry today.... and super excited to report I am down 2 whole pounds since Monday ;-) Evidently, the key to it is running my arse off at work, not getting breaks, and never sitting down for 12 hours! Ufta.
Had to get creative on eating while at work, because no breaks=no meal time. I know that's not good for me, I need nutrition for Pete's sake! (Side note..I will discuss Pete at a later time).
I have been able to keep healthy snack-sized items on hand, and littlerally gobble them down every few hours. Ceareal bars, dry frosted mini-wheats, bananas, oranges, and a 100 calorie pack of something sweet ;-) Can't figure out how to get some protein in there yet, but I will.
Right then! Until tomorow...
It's clear, cool, calorie free and refreshing. It's used to rehydrate and replenish. Our bodies are made up of 85% of it, and yet, drinking water seems to be nearly impossible for me. I am completely serious when I say that the only time I consume water is when taking my daily medications, and I mean just a sip or two.
So how does one go from barley tasting it at all, to 6-8 1 cup servings in a day?
My conclusion? Put alot of crap in it.
So....I bought some crystal light water additive stuff, and am crossing my fingers that it works, and encourages me to drink up me earties yo-ho!
I will revisit this issue, but because I am pressed for time at the moment, I am keeping this entry short and sweet.
